| 100%
of studies show that if you don't eat, you'll get
hungry. |
| 5 out of 4 people don't understand fractions |
| 90% of all statistics are made up |
| A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella
in fair weather and ask for it back when it rains. |
| A bird in the hand makes it harder to blow your
nose. |
| A black cat crossing your path signifies that the
animal is going somewhere. |
| A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste. |
| A city is a large community where people are
lonesome together. |
| A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. |
| A clear conscience is a continual Christmas. |
| A clear conscience is usually a sign of a bad
memory. |
| A closed mouth…gathers no feet |
| A day without sunshine is like,
you know...night. |
| A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to
hell in such a way that you actually look forward
to the trip. |
| A fellow who is always declaring he's no fool
usually has his suspicions. |
| A giggle a day keeps the glums away |
| A journey of 1000 steps begins with trying to find
a parking spot. |
| A leading authority is someone lucky who guessed
right! |
| A man who smiles when things go wrong knows who to
blame. |
| A man's home is his castle...until the queen
arrives. |
| A mans house is his hassle. |
| A moment on the lips, forever on the hips. |
| A penny saved is ridiculous |
| A printer consists of three main parts: the case,
the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light. |
| A seminar on time travel will be held in two weeks
ago. |
| A smile a day keeps the grumpies away |
| A strong woman is a woman at work, cleaning out
the cesspool of the ages, and while she shovels,
she talks about how she doesn't mind crying, it
opens the ducts of the eyes, and throwing up
develops the stomach muscles, and she goes on
shoveling with tear |
| A tree never hits an automobile except in
self-defense. |
| A woman's place is in the mall |
| A woman's work is never done… because she's
never home! |
| Accidents don't just happen, they must be
carelessly planned. |
| According to my calculations the problem doesn't
exist. |
| Age doesn't matter unless you're cheese |
| Aging is when you're a plum and end up a prune (or
need one) |
| All general statements are false |
| All great discoveries are made by mistakes. |
| All jobs are easy to the person who doesn't have
to do them. |
| All men are animals, but some make good pets |
| All men are created equal… All women - superior! |
| All that is free, cost something later. |
| All those who believe in psyshokineses, raise my
hand. |
| All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. |
| All work and no pay… makes a housewife |
| Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what
can't be done and why.
Then do it. |
| Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough
sense to be lazy. |
| An old grump and a nice person lives here |
| Any man who knows all the answers most likely
misunderstood the questions. |
| Artificial intelligence is no match for natural
stupidity. |
| As I said before I never repeat myself. |
| At first, I was hesitant, now I'm not sure |
| Attention spiders: Don't worry we keep house
casually |
| Avoid reality at all costs. |
| Bad habits are like a comfortable bed...easy to
get into, but hard to get out of. |
| Bad taste is better than no taste at all. |
| Bald is another word for "combing
impaired" |
| Bathroom rules: Wash, Brush, Floss and Flush |
| Be good to yourself…it's later than you think |
| Be nice to your children, for they will choose
your rest home |
| Be sure brain is in gear before mouth is in
motion. |
| Beat the 5 o'clock rush leave work at noon. |
| Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. |
| Because I'm the mom… that's why! |
| Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his
shoes. That way if he gets angry he'll be a mile
away and barefoot. |
| Behind every good man…is a surprised
mother-in-law |
| Being superstitious brings bad luck. |
| Better living through chocolate |
| Better to be over the hill than under it |
| Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed
of checks. |
| Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for
they shall never cease to be amused |
| Boring women have clean houses |
| Broken cookies don't have calories |
| Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why
did they believe me? |
| Budget: A method for going broke methodically. |
| Bugs and Beasts |
| Calling in ugly isn't an acceptable reason for
missing work |
| Calm down, it's only ones and zeros |
| Caution! Possible Flooding |
| Caution! Stress Overload! |
| Cherish yesterday, dream tomorrow, live like crazy
today! |
| Cinderella is proof that a new pair of shoes can
change your life. |
| Coffee is my best friend |
| Cole's Axiom:
The sum of the intelligence on the planet
is a constant. The population is growing. |
| Color....it's just a pigment of your imagination. |
| Consciousness, that annoying time between naps. |
| Consider the daffodil, and while you're doing
that, I'll be over here, looking through your
stuff. |
| Courage atrophies from lack of use. |
| Crime doesn't pay...does that mean my job is a
crime. |
| Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. |
| Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how
it remains so popular |
| Dieting is wishful shrinking |
| Dijon vu. This mustard tastes familiar. |
| Diplomacy: The art of letting someone have your
way. |
| Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped? |
| Do Lipton employees take a coffee break? |
| Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers. |
| Do you have a quarter? My mom told me to call her
when I fell in love. |
| Does a person ever get sick without getting tired. |
| Does everyday have to be a bad hair day? |
| Don't bother me… I've been in a bad mood now for
a couple years |
| Don't follow in my footsteps because I run into a
lot of walls. |
| Don't hate yourself in the morning, sleep till
noon. |
| Don't look back. They might be gaining on you. |
| Don't put all your pigs in one basket. It'll get
really heavy. |
| Don't smoke…you might croak |
| Don't talk about yourself so much... we will do
that when you leave. |
| Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will
suffice. |
| Don't waste water… it's a catastrophe |
| Don't you think it's a bit unnerving that doctors
call what they do practice? |
| Due to financial constraints, the light at the end
of the tunnel has been extinguished. |
| Due to lack of interest, today has been cancelled. |
| Dull women have immaculate houses |
| Dust is a protective cover for the furniture |
| Dust is just a country accent |
| Earn cash in your spare time, blackmail your
friends. |
| Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse
will happen to you for the rest of the day. |
| Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may
cancel your VISA |
| Eat, drink, and be merry… for tomorrow we diet. |
| Efficiency is intelligent laziness. |
| E-I-E-I-O is actually a gross misspelling of the
word "farm" |
| Enough research will tend to support your theory. |
| Entering a positive thinking area |
| Even if you are paranoid, maybe they really are
after you. |
| Even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat. |
| Ever notice that "What the hell" is
always the right decision? |
| Ever stop to think and forget to start again? |
| Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full
effect of alphabet soup? |
| Everyday is a wash day |
| Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just
don't have film. |
| Everyone is entitled to my opinion |
| Everything goes on forever since the fat lady
retired. |
| Everytime I give my husband an inch he starts to
think he's a ruler! |
| Everywhere is walking distance, if you have the
time. |
| Experience is that marvelous thing that enables
you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. |
| Feet smell? Nose
run? Hey! you're upside down! |
| Fertilize yourself…take your vitamins |
| Follow your dreams!
Unless it's the one where you're at work in
your underwear during a fire drill. |
| For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's
a tip: Why not add a slice of lemon to each jar,
for freshness? |
| Forget the hot flashes…give me some power surges |
| Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. |
| From
the time of childhood, men have destroyed things
while women have put it all back together again. |
| Fungus is actually alive. Be Afraid |
| Genius at rest |
| Girls just wanna have fund$! |
| Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day,
Teach him to use the net and he won't bother you
for weeks. |
| Give some people an inch and they think they are
rulers. |
| Go ahead take my advice, I'm not using it anyway |
| God doesn't weigh our bodies…he weighs our souls |
| God grant me patience… but hurry please! |
| God made man and then he made woman to make things
right. |
| God must love stupid people. He made so many of
them. |
| God put me on earth to accomplish a number of
tasks…I'm so far behind I'll never die |
| Good-bye tension…hello pension |
| Grandma says, when God created me… he just
showed off |
| Gravity...not just a good idea: It's the LAW!! |
| Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss
events. Small minds discuss people. |
| Hand over the chocolate and nobody will get hurt |
| Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years
away. |
| Happiness: an agreeable sensation arising from
contemplating the misery of another. |
| Happy thoughts to you |
| Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off
now. |
| Hard work never killed anybody, but why take
chances? |
| Have you ever imagined a world with no
hypothetical situations? |
| Having a perfect body isn't difficult… it's
impossible! |
| He who dies with the most toys…still dies |
| He who knows little quickly tells it. |
| He who laughs last thinks slowest. |
| He who throws mud, loses ground. |
| Help beautify our dumps, throw away something
pretty. |
| Help wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply. |
| Her face could stop a clock |
| He's about as subtle as a chainsaw, but lacking
the social grace. |
| High explosives are applicable where truth and
logic fail |
| Home of the Lawn Ranger |
| Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a
better defense. |
| Hospitality: Making your guest feel at home, even
if you wish they were. |
| House Rules: 1. Mom's the boss 2. See rule #1 |
| Housework causes brain damage |
| Housework makes me want to croak |
| Housework makes me/you ugly |
| Housework makes your hair turn gray |
| Housework stinks |
| How can there be self-help groups? |
| How come there's never a weekend around when you
need one! |
| How do "Do not walk on grass" signs get
there. |
| How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? |
| How is it possible to have a civil war? |
| Human beings, who are almost unique in having the
ability to learn from the experience of others,
are also remarkable for their apparent
disinclination to do so. |
| Humor can make a serious difference |
| I am having an out of money experience. |
| I am in shape, round is a shape. |
| I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm
a vegetarian because I hate plants. |
| I am strong… I am invisible… I am crazy… I
am a working mom |
| I am woman, I am invincible…I am tired. |
| I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy
creatures. |
| I breathe, therefore I shop! |
| I can resist anything…except temptation |
| I can't be out of money… I still have checks
left |
| I clean my house every other day, today is the
"other" day |
| I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn
louder. |
| I disbelieved in reincarnation in my last life
too. |
| I don't do mornings |
| I don't exercise. If God wanted me to bend over,
He would have put diamonds on the ground instead
of rocks. |
| I don't repeat gossip… so listen closely |
| I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute
of it. |
| I find that a great way to deal with a crisis is
to act like a deranged, headless chicken. |
| I go to bed early. My favorite dream starts at
nine. |
| I grew up with six brothers, That's how I learned
to dance - waiting to get into the bathroom. |
| I had a friend once, then the rope broke and he
got away. |
| I had a lovely evening, unfortunately, this wasn't
it. |
| I hate paperwork |
| I have an open mind- it's just closed for repairs |
| I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all
the wrinkles out of my face. |
| I have kleptomania, but when it gets really bad, I
take something for it. |
| I have PMS and a hand gun… Any questions? |
| I have seen the truth and it makes no sense. |
| I have such an attitude… I adore it |
| I just ate my will power |
| I just got lost in thought....It was unfamiliar
territory |
| I know everything, I just can't remember it all at
once. |
| I know I'm not perfect but I'm so close it's
scary. |
| I like nonsense, it awakens the brain cells. |
| I locked my coat hanger in the car. Good thing I
had a key. |
| I love being a writer, what I can't stand is the
paperwork. |
| I love my attitude problem! |
| I love stress! |
| I love to get stressed but only when spelled
backwards (desserts) |
| I love to give homemade gifts...which one of my
children would you like? |
| I may be inconsistent, but
not all the time. |
| I never think of the future, it comes soon enough. |
| I never watch Sesame Street, I know most of that
stuff. |
| I put a dollar in one of those change machines.
Nothing changed. |
| I read your mind, and trust me, it was a short
story. |
| I refuse to have a battle of wits, with an unarmed
opponent |
| I SOUPORT PUBLIK EDEKASION |
| I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They
sent me a wakeup letter. |
| I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot
cards. I got a full house and four people died. |
| I think, therefore I am.......Not related to you. |
| I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got
stuck in my nose. |
| I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes
several days attack me at once. |
| I used to be indecisive, now I'm not sure. |
| I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in
dead. |
| I usually wake up Grouchy, but sometimes I let him
sleep in |
| I would cook dinner… but I can't find the can
opener |
| I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous. |
| If a cluttered desk is characteristic of a
cluttered mind what does an empty desk mean. |
| If a man's home is a castle let
him clean it himself |
| If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a
picture of a thousand words worth. |
| If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around
to see it, do the other trees make fun of it? |
| If all the nations in the world are in debt, where
did all the money go? |
| If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. |
| If at first you do succeed, try not to look
surprised/astonished |
| If at first you don't succeed, destroy all
evidence that you tried. |
| If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy
her friends? |
| If friends were noses, I'd pick you |
| If genius is one percent inspiration and 99
percent perspiration, I wind up sharing elevators
with a lot of bright people. |
| If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean
to poor people like I am now. |
| If I only had one tooth, I think I would brush it
a real long time. |
| If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out
the necessary forms. |
| If it ain't broke, break it!
It'll do you good. |
| If it ain't broke, don't fix it. If you broke it,
blame the person next to you. |
| If it weren't for caffeine I'd have no personality
whatsoever! |
| If it weren't for the last minute…nothing would
get done |
| If knees were backwards what would chairs look
like? |
| If life hands you lemons… make lemonade |
| If life was a box of chocolates, it'd be pretty
empty. |
| If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick
Teflon to the pan? |
| If rabbit feet are so lucky, then what happened to
the rabbit? |
| If takes a lot of talent to get a month behind in
just one day |
| If the entire world is a stage, where is the
audience sitting? |
| If the tv and the fridge weren't so far apart,
we'd never get any exercise |
| If there is no God, who pops up the next tissue in
the Kleenex box? |
| If there's not internet in heaven.. I'm not going |
| If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to
stop helping me. |
| If things get better with age, I'm approaching
magnificent! |
| If too much love will kill you, I'm the healthiest
person in the world. |
| If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. |
| If we quit voting, will they all go away? |
| If
Women were in charge, there would never be a war. |
| If you can't convince them, confuse them. |
| If you can't say anything nice....come sit by us. |
| If you educate a man, you educate an individual.
If you educate a woman, you educate a family. |
| If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll
have trouble putting on your pants. |
| If you must choose between two evils, pick the one
you've never tried before. |
| If you pray for rain…be prepared to deal with
some mud |
| If you smoke…don't exhale |
| If you smoke…leave your butt outside |
| If you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be neat
and wipe the seat |
| If you tell a man there are 300 billion stars in
the universe, he'll believe you. But if you tell
him a park bench has just been painted, he has to
touch it to be sure. |
| If you think education is expensive, try
ignorance. |
| If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of
car payments. |
| If you write in the dust…please don't sign it! |
| If your mind goes blank…don't forget to turn off
the sound |
| If your ship hasn't come in…swim out to it |
| If you're not living on the edge you're wasting
space. |
| If you're not part of the solution, your part of
the problem. |
| If you're smoking in this house you better be on
fire! |
| I'll never be satisfied until I'm too smart for my
own good. |
| I'll stop procrastinating tomorrow |
| I'm not
completely crazy, some parts are still missing. |
| I'm a good egg…just a little cracked |
| I'm a whole lot behind on a whole lot of things |
| I'm just a Raggedy Ann in a Barbie doll world |
| I'm living life to it's credit limit! |
| I'm much too young to look old |
| I'm not 40, I'm 18 with a some extra years of
experience |
| I'm not aging I'm marinating |
| I'm not bald, I'm just too tall for my hair |
| I'm not fat...I'm soft and cuddly |
| I'm not fat…I'm fluffy |
| I'm not fat…I'm just short for my weight |
| I'm not into working out. My philosophy. No pain,
no pain. |
| I'm not lazy… I'm motivationally impaired |
| I'm not only weird. I'm gifted too. |
| I'm not schizophrenic, you only think we are. |
| I'm not young enough to know everything |
| I'm saving my husband lots of money. I buy
everything I see…on sale. |
| I'm serious, it was a joke. |
| I'm so far behind I thought I was first |
| In a country of free speech, why are there phone
bills? |
| In the cookies of life…friends are the chocolate
chips |
Incomplete maxims:
All is well that ends.
A penny saved is a penny.
Don't leave things unfinishe |
| Indecision is the key to flexibility. |
| Insanity is hereditary, you got it from your kids. |
| Inside every short man is a tall man doubled over
in pain. |
| Is it coffee time yet? |
| Is there another word for synonym? |
| Is there life after laundry |
| It doesn't matter what temperature the room is,
its always room temperature. |
| It is impossible to make anything foolproof
because fools are so ingenious. |
| It will be a great day when our schools have all
the money they need and the air force has to hold
a bake sale to buy a new bomber. |
| It's been Monday all week. |
| It's been one of those days ALL WEEK! |
| It's easier to nail jello to a tree, than it is to
find a good man! |
| It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember
anything. |
| It's kind of depressing when the bartender knows
your name...when you haven't been to his bar. |
| It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. |
| It's not an optical illusion it just looks that
way |
| It's not hard to meet expenses, they're
everywhere. |
| It's not the fall that kills you, it's the sudden
stop at the end. |
| It's only fun if you can get in trouble. |
| It's your
life, I'm just passing through. |
| I've always been crazy. It's kept me from going
insane. |
| I've developed a new philosophy, I only dread one
day at a time. |
| I've got a plan so cunning, you could put a tail
on it and call it a weasel. |
| I've gotta be me, everyone else was already taken. |
| Just say no… to housework! |
| Keep me out of mischief today, Lord |
| Keep your temper…no one else wants it |
| Last night as I lay in bed looking at the stars I
thought: Where the hell is the ceiling? |
| Last night I played a blank tape at full blast.
The mime next door went nuts. |
| Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. |
| Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the
world laughs louder. |
| Laundry room…drop your pants here |
| Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. |
| Lie on the beach til you rot |
| Life is full of ups and pounds |
| Light travels faster than sound. This is why some
people appear bright until you hear them speak. |
| Live life to the fullest....think of all the
people on the titanic who passed up chocolate
dessert. |
| Living on earth is expensive but it does include a
free trip around the sun. |
| Lord slow me down |
| Lord, if I can't be skinny, please make my friends
look fat |
| Love is homemade… so are the bills |
| Macho doesn't prove Mucho |
| Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. |
| Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better
idiot. |
| Mama don't allow
no poutin' here |
| Man cannot live on chocolate alone… but women
can |
| Many people, when they run into a telephone pole,
blame the pole. |
| Math and alcohol do not mix, so don't drink and
derive. |
| May your troubles be like the old man's teeth, few
and far between |
| Men
make the mess and women fix it. |
| Men never grow-up. They will be children until the
grave. |
| Men… who needs 'em |
| Menopausal Maniac |
| Mental floss prevents moral decay. |
| Middle age is when you choose cereal for the
fiber, not the toy. |
| Mirror, Mirror on the wall, I'm like my mother
after all! |
| Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life. |
| Money can't buy happiness, it can, however, rent
it. |
| Money is the root of all evil…and I need to feel
rooted. |
| Money is the root of all wealth. |
| Money isn't everything…but it sure keeps the
kids in touch |
| Money talks...but all mine ever says is Good-Bye. |
| More than merely a mother…slightly less than
God! |
| Mornings are not real |
| My aim is to keep this bathroom clean… your aim
will help! |
| My door says, go ahead and knock I'm already
disturbed. |
| My house is clean enough to be healthy… dirty
enough to be happy |
| My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a
glance |
| My memory is remarkable… I forget everything! |
| My mind has always been my Achilles heel |
| My wife made me join a bridge club, I jump off
next Tuesday. |
| Natural aging woman |
| Natural laws have no pity. |
| Never call a man a fool, borrow from him. |
| Never eat more that you can lift |
| Never go to bed mad…stay up and fight |
| Never run into debt, not if you can find anything
else to run into. |
| Never test the depth of the water with both feet. |
| Never, ever make absolute, unconditional
statements. |
| No brain…No headache |
| No job is so simple that it can't be done wrong. |
| No one is unemployed who minds their own business |
| NO Whining! |
| Normal isn't nearly as common as you might think |
| Nostalgia isn't what it used to be, |
| Not again…too much month at the end of the money |
| Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that
life is serious. |
| Not the brightest crayon in the box, now are we? |
| Of all things I've lost… I miss my mind the most |
| Of course I don't look busy…I did it right the
first time |
| Old enough to know better...too old to care |
| Old postal employees never die… they just lose
their zip |
| On the other hand, you have different fingers |
| One is not born a woman - one becomes one. |
| Only mothers of teenagers can understand how
animals can eat their young. |
| Open carefully… hug-bug enclosed! |
| Organized people are just too lazy to look for
things. |
| Out of my mind, back in five minutes |
| Over the hill and picking up speed |
| Panic button - Press here. |
| Paper clip: The larval stage of coat hangers. |
| Pentium wise: pen and paper foolish. |
| People are more violently opposed to fur than
leather because its safer to pick on rich women
than biker gangs. |
| People who are wrapped up in themselves make very
small packages. |
| People who love sausage and respect the law should
never watch either of them being made. |
| People who think they're perfect are very annoying
to those of us who really are. |
| Plagiarism saves time. |
| Please don't hog the bathroom |
| Pollution… it's a whale of a problem |
| Press button for maid service, If no answer, do it
yourself! |
| Reading room |
| Real men do ask directions |
| Reality is for people who can't handle Star Trek. |
| Recycle toucans or 3cans or 4cans |
| Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting. |
| Save time....see it my way. |
| Scientists say one out of every four people is
crazy, check three friends, if they are ok, you're
it. |
| Secret to dieting - spit out anything that tastes
good! |
| Sex is like air, it's not important unless you
aren't getting any. |
| SHHH…Dad's sawing wood |
| Shop like a bull…charge everything |
| Shop 'til you drop |
| Smash forehead on keyboard to continue |
| Smile, it makes people wonder what you are
thinking. |
| So it ain't home sweet home… adjust! |
| So many cats, so few recipes. |
| So your mom is not a Barbie Doll…adjust |
| Some day my ship will come in, but with my luck,
I'll be at the airport. |
| Some folks sit and think others just sit. |
| Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. |
| Some people are going to leave a mark on this
world, while others will leave a stain. |
| Someday is not a day of the week. |
| Sometimes I get even moooore confused |
| Sometimes I think well and sometimes I think, Oh
well! |
| Sometimes the best man for the job is a women |
| Spend 'til the end |
| Spotted on the back of a t-shirt worn by L.A.P.D.
Bomb Squad: If you see me running, try to keep up. |
| Star-light, starlight, where in the heck is Mr.
Right? |
| Statisticians know that if you put a man's head in
a sauna and his feet in a deep freeze, he will
feel pretty good, on the average. |
| Stewardesses is the longest word that is typed
with only the left hand. |
| Support bacteria - they're the only culture some
people have. |
| T.G.I.F. |
| Technology…no place for wimps |
| Ten out of ten people surveyed in the street are
pedestrians |
| The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs. |
| The best way to keep one's work is not to give it. |
| The deadline for complaints was yesterday |
| The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse
gets the cheese. |
| The easiest way to find something lost around the
house is to buy a replacement |
| The force is like duct tape, it has a dark side,
it has a light side, and it binds the universe
together. |
| The greatest productive force is human
selfishness. |
| The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot.
The guy who invented the other three, now he was
the genius. |
| The hurrier I go, the behinder I get |
| The network is down…but I'm feeling better |
| The older I get, the better I was |
| The older the violin…the sweeter the music. |
| The only problem with mornings is that they happen
too early in the day. |
| The only real difference between me and everyone
else is DNA. The rest is just politics. |
| The only substitute for good manners is fast
reflexes. |
| The problem is not that there are problems. The
problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that
having a problem is a problem. |
| The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can
fake that you've got it made. |
| The secret to finding something is knowing where
it is. |
| The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak |
| The trouble with being punctual is that no one is
there to appreciate it. |
| The trouble with getting a life is making the
payments. |
| The trouble with work is...it's so daily. |
| The truth is out there!
Does anyone know the url? |
| Therapy helps, but screaming obscenities is
cheaper. |
| There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is
already full. |
| There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine
lack of preparation |
| There is no danger so pressing that it couldn't be
worse. |
| There is no life before coffee! |
| There's mischief brewing! |
| There's no future in time travel. |
| They can't fire me, slaves have to be sold. |
| They say when nature calls, you should answer it.
I say let the answering machine get it. |
| Think twice before you speak, especially if you
intend to say what you think. |
| This is my favorite time of day. Well, there it
goes. |
| This is not a democracy… this is my kingdom |
| This isn't clutter, these are my antiques |
| Those are my principles. If you don't like them I
have others. |
| Those who dance are considered insane by those who
cannot hear the music. |
| To err is human…but it's against company policy |
| To err is human…but to really foul things up
requires a computer |
| To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to
steal from many is research. |
| Today's menu… Eat in, Eat out |
| Today's menu… Take it or leave it |
| Too old to work, too young to die, so off into the
sunset just you and I |
| Transvestites are men who like to eat, drink and
be Mary. |
| Two atoms are walking down the street, and they
run in to each other. One says to the other, are
you all right? No, I lost an electron. Are you
sure? I am positive! |
| Use it up, wear it out, make it do or do without |
| Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with
diarrhea - massive, difficult to redirect,
awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind
boggling amount of excitement when you least
expect it. |
| Very funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes. |
| Waking a person unnecessarily should not be
considered a capital crime. For a first offense,
that is. |
| Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they
appear. |
| We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get
worse. |
| We can handle problems…we have kids |
| We have enough youth, how about a fountain of
smart. |
| We knock on wood to scare the termites. |
| Weight has a way of snacking up on you |
| We're having creative differences, I'm creative,
you're different. |
| We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on
a million typewriters will eventually produce a
masterpiece. Now, thanks to the Internet we know
this is not true. |
| What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep? |
| What garlic is to food, insanity is to arts. |
| What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls
over. |
| What happens if you get scared half to death
twice? |
| What has four legs and one arm?
A happy pit bull |
| What I need is a list of specific unknown problems
we will encounter. |
| What's a nice girl like me doing in a place like
this |
| When cheese gets its' picture taken what does it
say? |
| When everything comes your way you're in the wrong
lane. |
| When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets
pretty crowded. |
| When it comes to thought some people stop at
nothing. |
| When it rains, why don't sheep shrink? |
| When the chips are down…yell Bingo |
| When the going gets rough, you are obviously in
the wrong place. |
| When the smoke alarm goes off…we know dinner is
ready |
| When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case
heaven is like the IRS. |
| When your dreams turn to dust - vacuum |
| When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper,
does he wonder why you're just sitting there
staring at the carpet? |
| Where do forest rangers go to get away from it
all. |
| Whoever said money can't buy everything, didn't
know where to shop. |
| Why am I frowning?
It takes 43 muscles to frown and only 17 to
smile and I need the exercise. |
| Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations when
smoking is prohibited. |
| Why are they called apartments, when they're all
stuck together. |
| Why aren't fishmongers generous
Their business makes them selfish. |
| Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? |
| Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same
thing? |
| Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal
injections? |
| Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways. |
| Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor
when you can't drink and drive? |
| Why is "Abbreviation" such a long word? |
| Why is Greenland icy, and Iceland green? |
| Why is it that when we ship something by truck,
it's called shipment, but if we send something by
ship it's called cargo? |
| Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food? |
| Woman
was a gift to man from God above. Man must
remember that and treat woman well. |
| Woman was God's second mistake. |
| Women
are not inherently passive or peaceful. We're not
inherently anything but human. |
| Women
have a way of treating people more softly. We
treat souls with kid gloves. |
| Women have served all these centuries as
looking-glasses possessing the magic and delicious
power of reflecting the figure of man at twice its
natural size. |
| Work is a fine thing if it doesn't take too much
of your spare time. |
| Wrinkles merely indicate where smiles have been |
| Writing about music is like dancing about
architecture. |
| Ya gotta keep goin' |
| Yes, I live in a house…No, I am not
domestic…Yes, I am incredible |
| You can never successfully determine beforehand
which side of the bread to butter. |
| You can't have everything - where would you put
it? |
| You can't run from your self because no matter
where you go there you are. |
| You do not need a parachute to skydive, you only
need a parachute to skydive twice. |
| You don't have to brush all your teeth, just the
ones you want to keep |
| You know your over the hill when "Happy
Hour" means nap time |
| You might as well take all of me, the parts you
want aren't removable. |
| You must be tired because you have been running
through my mind all day. |
| You tickle my funny bone |
| Young at heart…Slightly older in other places |
| Your mind is like a taco, the more you cram into
it the more that's going to fall out. |
| You're getting old when you appreciate the fact
that wrinkles don't hurt. |
| You're getting old when you stoop to tie your
shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're
down there. |
| You're just jealous cause the voices only talk to
me. |
| You're never too old to learn something stupid. |
| You're only old/young once |
| You're only young once…But you can be immature
forever |
| You've got to be kidding! |
